30 days and change: Day 13
DAY THIRTEEN: What was your worst fear at age 5? Age 15? Age 25? Now?
Word Count: 517
Age 5: Whew, for a long time, I used to be afraid of the song ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’ Why was I afraid of that song? I am not sure if I can tell you, but the fear started from some toy that played the song when pushed or moved in some way. My cousin Tre was two years younger and had many toes that made sounds, flashing lights, and more. One of the many plush toys he owned constantly played that song that shall not be named. One night, leaving my Auntie Lisa’s apartment, the toy played the song, but the sounds came out like the Haunting on Hillhouse. I have this vivid memory of running to my mom’s car as it was playing while we were leaving the house, strange.
Age 15: Age 15: At fifteen, I think my largest fear was coming out of the closet. Before we move forward, in reality there was never a closet to hide in, but I desperately wanted to create one. Growing up and not being able to mask my queerness in my mannerisms, emotions, and overall existence did do a number on me. At this stage, I had already known, I just didn’t know how to explain it. Others around me could identify very early on. But I still searched for the words to describe myself.
Me & Gus (one of my teen employees) on our Birthday, 8/21, my 25th, and his 18th.
Age 25: At 25 my fears were all about “being an adult”. I was managing a coffee and ice cream shop, had been for the past two summers and was preparing to move to Charlotte after taking some time after graduation to stack some bread. I knew I couldn’t work there forever and needed to find my niche. At that stage I had no idea what that would be, or how I’d make it happen. The only thing I was concerned about was getting out of Southport, and starting my adult life separate of my hometown. I stayed nervous about the what ifs, on where we works work, where we would stay, all the things. Laying across my bed, in the city, with a great job, and secure roof over my head i had NOTHING to fear. I would never fail myself like that. Age 25: At 25, my fears were all about “being an adult”. I was managing a coffee and ice cream shop, had been for the past two summers, and was preparing to move to Charlotte after taking some time after graduation to stack some bread. I knew I couldn’t work there forever and needed to find my niche. At that stage, I had no idea what that would be or how I’d make it happen. The only thing I was concerned about was getting out of Southport and starting my adult life separate from my hometown. I stayed nervous about the what-ifs, on where we would work, where we would stay, all the things. Lying in my bed in the city, with a great job and a secure roof over my head, I had NOTHING to fear. I would never fail myself like that. All these years later, I’m still thriving.
